Saturday, July 03, 2004
emptiness

when i was in sec one i thought i'd join the band. get something nice. and make the folks proud. cos that's what they wanted. their girl in the band. playing a nice little instrument. i remember my ma telling me. 'get one of the smaller ones. like a flute or trumpet'. i remember my dad trying to convince me that the instrument i ended up with was the euphonium not the tuba. i think it was a desperate attempt to convince himself that his girl isn't doomed to play the largest brass instrument of all time. i remember that i always used the small one. fang used the gold tuba. and mag the condemned one. until that one well. broke down. then fang used arli's. we used to quarrel about everything. you know. we still do. all the time. it's a part of our life now. we have spats of arguments. but at the end of it all we're still friends. mag used to sit and just listen to us. our seniors took turns teaching us. back then we had xiao pei. arli. halijah. shi ying. sharifah. khairin. and the new gal kelly. kelly got kicked out soon after. the sec fours left. and it was just the six of us. we grew. i was the smallest. and i think i still am.

in sec two i remember when shiying made us go through stuff again and again so we'd get it right. candice and huiping came into our lives. into our little group. khairin started teaching me the e-flat tuba. my love for the instrument grew. although i always complained about band practices. i really enjoyed them. cos i got to bond with the people who would influence my life in music. the band members. i remember mel-sir being the band leader at that time. we all called her mel-sir. it was practically routine. shi ying was brass qm. we had band camp that year. the joys of wandering the school with lightsticks. i was always in trouble. with someone or other. perhaps i had intended for it to be that way. then khairin quit. shi ying left the band because of o levels. it was that way every year. in. out. four years. i complained. i whined. but i never seriously thought about it. after shi ying left i remember hating sharifah. for making me play over. and over. and over. i cried. i can't deny that. tears. hot boiling rage. i hated her. but in a way. it made me better. maybe.

in sec three i hated her more. sharifah quit the band. mere months before the syf competition. our section had no sec fours. liyana and wee ling came. new sec ones. syf. the stress was unbearable. at times i thought of giving up myself. but i was determined not to be like sharifah. not to give up. we worked hard. perhaps sars was a lucky break for us. we got to practice more. to show her that we didn't need her. candice was brought into our com batch. even though i didn't feel great subjecting her to competition in her sec two year. she agreed to play. we pulled through. brought home a gold award. all our hard work. tears. sweat. we brought home glory. we still had our gold award. we didn't flop. it was overwhelming. too overwhelming. tough. but we pulled through. it made us closer to each other. strengthened us. taught me that we had to be independent if we were to ever achieve anything. that i shouldn't depend on anyone. no one. but myself.

in sec four. oh my god time's passing so quickly. is it july already? i can't believe it. i only have two more weeks with my juniors. i haven't thought of life after band. i don't want to think about it. i don't want to face empty afternoons. silent afternoons. i'll miss the chatter and laughter. i'll miss the sounds of band. scattered playing. sectionals. combine. no matter how much i complained about them before. i really take it all back. band has become a part of my life. laura and ruo yu are here now. the concert's coming. it's all passing so quickly. too quickly. soon i'll be taking my turn in the wheel. leaving the band. i don't want to. it's become a large part of my life. and i don't want to leave this part of my life behind. i don't want to think that my time with the band is over. because i'm sure it's not. only one week to concert. i find that hard to swallow. seven days. seven. time's passing too fast. need it to stop. i can't imagine life without band. without the company of my sectionmates whom i have grown to love. it's hard to give up. and i know i'll look back one too many times. it's hard to let go. july already. soon i'll be leaving the school too. is there any way i can stay? throat's dry. tears are coming. it's hard to believe that i'm gonna leave all this behind. the second family of mine. my friends. my sectionmates. my juniors. can i really leave it all behind? concert's coming. i'm rambling. but i can't help it. i want to stay here. i'm comfortable with my life just as it is. i don't want anything to change. don't want. don't.

it's july already. i have to let some things go. it's hard. but i'll have to. can't keep on holding on. my afternoons will be boring. quiet. lonely. but i'll be thinking of the band.. and missing each and every one of the members. and.. believe it or not. i might even miss ms sia. well. i'd give anything. to stay with the band. but moving on is a part of life. and i'll just have to move on.

crying
can't live without you. missing you every minute of every day.

* s w e e t heart`x @ [[9:08 PM]]